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Chapter 25
He hugs me tight.
I don’t want him to do this. I try to punch him one more time and it comes out weaker than the first few times when he wasn’t holding me like this yet.
”I hate you.”
”Please don’t say that.”
”I hate you.”
He pulls away slowly. He has watery eyes when I look into his eyes.
I stand firm, I won’t change what I just said. I hate him.
Then when I’m still staring at him, I see that the corner of his mouth is red. Someone punched him hard there. I bet it was Matt.
But I don’t care about that, I just want to know one thing:
”Tell me, why?”
He laughs, but as if he doesn’t believe what I just asked.
”Do you think I…”
He runs his hands over his face and continues:
”I did it for you, Sky!”
I am in disbelief now:
”How’s that? For me?”
He stares at me and then moves a little closer:
”You were dying inside with all this.”
I’m speechless now. He continues:
”Yesterday, after we…”
This puts me off because I remember well how we were yesterday and I know he does too.
He continues:
”You were crying. I hated seeing you like that. I just wanted you to…”
He takes a deep breath:
”I had to tell Matt because then you would make a decision and…”
I interrupt:
”And you think you had the right to do that?”
”Would you do that?”
”My God, Yan, you’re so selfish! At no point did you think about my reaction or Matt’s, you always think only of yourself!”
I turn my back for a while, I can’t look at his face anymore.
I say more to myself than to him:
”How could I have thought I was in love with you?”
He comes over to me, faces me, and says:
”Really?”
He holds my chin. I take his hand away and say:
”I’m such an idiot.”
”No, you’re not.”
I look into his eyes and for a moment I want to forget this anger I’m feeling towards him, but I can’t.
”My life has been total shit since you got here.”
”I know I’ve done a lot of shit. Damn, my brother hates me now.”
He stops for a while, then continues:
”I know I wanted you to hate me many times and I worked hard for it, but deep down I just wanted you to like me… That…”
He looks down:
”To love me.”
He looks into my eyes, he looks dull now.
I question:
”Why?”
”Because I love you.”
My God, how can he play with me like that? I know I’m just another girl on his list, a girl he’ll say he loves, just to be in control and then screw up my life like he’s already doing.
I walk away from him.
”Oh my God, I’m so bewildered.”
I just want to fix everything and get my life back. The way it was.
He comes to me once more and says:
”You were suffering, Sky, you needed to make a choice.”
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”How could you think that I would have to make a choice?”
He looks devastated to hear this.
I complete:
”I would choose Matt thousand times over.”
I don’t look back, I don’t care about his reaction.
I don’t care, I just want to get out of here as soon as possible. Get away from this selfish guy, who doesn’t think about the consequences of his shitty actions.
I pass Max as I leave the hall. He doesn’t say anything, I much less, but I see him heading in the direction of Yan’s room just as I leave.
…
When I get home I call Matt’s cell phone several times, but he doesn’t answer.
I lie down on the bed and don’t even bother to take off my sandals. My world is over. All I can think about is how selfish Yan was to tell Matt everything, hoping for some benefit of his own.
“I love you.”
How can he lie so well by looking me in the face?
He loves no one but himself.
I cry even more.
I wake up and look at the clock. It is already eight o’clock at night. I feel weak, I need to eat something, the problem is that I’m not hungry.
I take a shower while the lasagna is being heated in the microwave.
I turn on the TV, but nothing is interesting on, and even if there was, today I don’t care for it.
I find a tranquilizer that was prescribed to me a few months ago when I had a stress crisis and I end up taking one of them so that I can sleep.
…
When I wake up, I see that it is already ten o’clock in the morning. I stare at the ceiling for a while. I don’t feel better, on the contrary, I think I am worse than yesterday.
I reach for my cell phone, hoping that Matt has called me, but there is nothing.
I make myself a cup of coffee to feel more awake and less sleepy, a fucking side effect of tranquilizers.
I feel like a zombie, not only outside, but inside too.
I turn on the TV, I need some background noise or I will just listen to my thoughts complain to me for being so stupid and doing so many stupid things these last months.
I sit down on the couch, while I drink my cup of coffee. Someone knocks on the door.
My heart leaps.
It must be Matt. I feel happy for a moment as I run to the door and open it to Yan.
My smile vanishes.
I just stare at him. I think it’s obvious on my face how disappointed I am.
He looks at me sadly.
He doesn’t look like he had the best night’s sleep either. But I won’t feel sorry, because we know whose fault it is that we are like this.
I won’t pretend to him that I was expecting him, because I know he knows that the smile that greeted him was not for him.
”Yan, what are you doing here?”
”I need to talk to you.”
”We’ve already said what we need to say.”
I go to close the door, but he puts his hand on the door to stop it before I can do that.
I take a deep breath. I’m not playing games today. I use irony, maybe he’ll finally understand:
”Look, why don’t you go stay with Tracy, your girlfriend?”
He looks at me even less funny and says:
”Because we broke up.”
This takes me by surprise. I say nothing and he just continues:
”That afternoon before I helped you with the books.”
He still looks at me. I won’t deny that it moved me. But I also remind myself that I am immune to him now and his little games.
”All right, so what do you want?”
”Can I come in?”
”No.”
He looks at me startled and surprised at the same time. I soften.
”I think it’s better, no.”
He looks disappointed all the same, but I stand my ground.
He says:
”I just came to tell you that…”
He takes a deep breath and continues:
”I came to apologize for what I caused you. I’m just… I’m sorry.”
He looks down.
The bad thing is that I can’t believe anything he says.
”It’s a little late for that, Yan.”
He looks me in the eye again. He’s none of that confident guy who always has something to say. I wonder where his huge ego is hiding now.
I complete:
”And well, Matt is hating me now and there’s no turning back and…”
He interrupts me:
”I wanted to talk about that too.”
Somehow he has my attention and he continues:
”I can talk to him, take all the blame, and ask him to come back to you.”
I stare at him now.
”Why would Yan do that for me?”