The Way I Am Now (The Way I Used to Be)

This guy is standing way too close. I’m about to tell him to back off, but then I recognize something in the look on his face as his eyes flash between me and Eden, then down at our hands. She lets go too fast.

I recognize the look because it must be mirroring my own.

“Oh,” I say out loud, my brain processing what’s happening way too slowly.

He says he’s been looking for her, and as she steps away from me, he puts his arm around her shoulder like he’s claiming her. Mine, his eyes tell me.

“Um, Josh, this is Steve,” Eden says. “Steve, you probably remember Josh—he went to school with us.”

“No,” the guy—Steve—says.

Another girl walks up and puts her hand on Eden’s other shoulder. I recognize her; I met her once. “Oh my God,” she says as she recognizes me too.

Eden steps away from Steve. Takes her friend’s arm instead. “I don’t know if you remember—”

“Josh, yeah, of course. Hey.”

“Hi, it’s Mara, isn’t it?” I manage to say.

“Yes,” she answers, smiling. “Good memory.” Then she lets go of Eden’s arm and pulls another guy forward, who raises a hand to wave at me. “This is my boyfriend, Cameron.”

“Oh, yeah.” I don’t know how I’m continuing to speak and breathe when she’s so close now and she’s about to be far and I don’t know when I’ll see her again. “I think we had a class together, didn’t we? Bio or—”

“Chem lab,” he corrects me with a nod.

“Right,” I answer, but it’s hard to focus because I’m watching her twisting her arms together, her fingers wrapping around one another so tight, and I can feel how uncomfortable she is. This guy, Steve, grabs her hand, separating it from her own grip, and he’s staring me down like he wants a fight. I can feel it radiating off him, seeping into my skin.

Behind them, I see Dominic walking toward us through the crowd. As he gets closer, he’s shaking his head and he’s holding his arms in the air. “You missed the whole thing!” he shouts. And because he has this deep, bellowing voice and towers over the entire crowd, everyone turns to stare.

As he comes to stand next to me and sees what’s happening, he gives me a look—an I told you so mixed with sympathy.

“Dominic,” I say, thankful to have something to say. “This is—”

“Eden,” he finishes, so cheerful he doesn’t give a hint at his true feelings about her—or rather, about me and her. “So good to finally meet you.”

“Oh,” she says, surprised, I guess, that he knows who she is. But she offers him a quick smile and a nod. “You too.”

I continue the introductions. “And this is Mara, Cameron, and . . .” I meet Steve’s eye, and I know it’s a dick move, but he’s the one holding her hand right now. “I’m sorry, remind me?”

He clenches his jaw. “Steve,” he hisses.

“Right. Steve.”

Dominic takes over, making conversation about school, the concert, normal things. Easy, like it always is for him. I stare at my feet because if I look at her again, I’m afraid I’ll say something dramatic and stupid, like, This guy, really, Eden? You’re gonna leave with this guy? This guy who’s clearly jealous and possessive and angry— but my thoughts suddenly stall out midstream—unless it’s me. Maybe I’m the one who’s clearly jealous and possessive and angry.

When I look up at her again, her mouth is open slightly, and I want her to say something, anything, to let me know what she’s thinking, to let me know what I should be thinking. Because I thought, for a minute there, maybe. But now I watch her take a breath, and just when I’m sure she’s about to speak, she’s interrupted by the rest of the people we were supposed to be meeting up with. A bunch of guys from the old team, some girls I vaguely recognize from our graduating class. They’re all yelling and waving their arms, shouting for us. Eden glances over at them, and I can see her physically turn inward, making herself smaller, and this time when she looks at me again, it feels like it’s from such an immense distance that it would be impossible to even hear each other if we tried to talk again.

“There’s this after-party,” Dominic tells them, gesturing to the crowd of people clearly eager for us to move along. “You all are welcome to join.”

Steve speaks up, seemingly for the whole group. “We have plans already.”

Mara chimes in. “But thanks.”

“No worries,” Dominic says, clapping me on the shoulder, snapping me out of it. “Ready?”

I nod, even though I couldn’t be less ready.

“Eden?” I manage. “Let’s . . .” Go. Try again. Run away.

“Let’s catch up soon,” she finishes for me. And I want to believe so badly that there’s some deeper meaning in her words, some secret message that I’m not the only one looking for secret messages. As I watch the two of them walking away, there’s too much happening, and it’s like we’re being separated from each other by these opposing currents, carrying us away, losing each other in some kind of devastating natural disaster.

Eden looks back at me like she might turn around and come running to me after all. Steve looks back then, too, a warning. She faces ahead again and doesn’t look back this time.

“So, that was the infamous Eden, huh?” Dominic asks.

But I can’t quite find my voice again until she’s out of sight. My heart sinks into my stomach, and as I watch her disappear, I have the urge to run after her, the fear gripping me like it had the last time we parted in December. When I stood on my front steps and watched her walk away, not knowing whether I would see her again.

“Hey.” Dominic nudges my arm with his elbow. “You cool? Wanna ditch these guys?” He tilts his head in the direction of our old friends. “We can do something else. Really, it’s only gonna be drinking and doing stupid shit like always. I can leave it.”

“No,” I finally say. “Come on, I’m not making you miss this.”

He turns his head to the side and squints at me, trying not to grin.

“What?” I shake my head. “I’m not that oblivious. Your secret admirer’s going to be here tonight, no?” I ask him. I think his name’s Luke, and I only know that much because D slyly asked me once if I remembered him from school. I didn’t—he was a year behind us. But I know he’s the real reason Dominic wanted to come home. They’ve been talking online, although Dominic has been weirdly quiet about it—and ever since we got to college, he hasn’t been quiet about anything. “It’s that guy, Luke, right?”Content (C) Nôv/elDra/ma.Org.

“Aren’t you sneaky and perceptive,” he answers.

“It’s the only reason I can think of that you’d insist on coming home this week.”

Dominic laughs and sighs. “I think I might be his secret admirer, though.”

“Oh,” I say. “Like he’s not out, you mean?”

“It’s unclear.”

I nod. “Well, drinking and doing stupid shit sounds fantastic right about now.”

“Okay, that’s the spirit!” he says, too enthusiastically. “Let’s go.”

As we approach our old friends, they welcome me back into the fold with open arms and pats on the back and cheers and shoves. One of the girls—I think she says her name is Hannah—introduces herself as I’m passing her and looks at me like I’m supposed to be hitting on her. My mouth is suddenly filled with this bitter taste that makes me feel nauseous.

It’s going to be a long, stupid night.