The Impact of You

Chapter 33

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I am shaking when Jase leaves. I sink to the floor, leaning against the door he just exited. I can’t believe he just left…I know I freaked out, but I just needed a second. Having him take control like that was too reminiscent of Brent and I hate feeling out of control. My heart is slamming against my chest as I process the fact that he only wants the physical with me. Is it because of my background – that’s how he sees me? It’s the reputation I’ve earned, but I thought Jase, of all people, would understand I’m not that girl anymore. My abandonment issues had clouded my judgment, and that’s all much too close to home right now.

I have no idea where Jase and I stand. Is this just physical for him? Does he want something more? Is he over my past? The questions won’t stop, and I suddenly can’t breathe. I hope that Jase, who knows about my past, would understand that some things will be uncomfortable for me. But his mouth was demanding, his hands insistent, and he’d nearly pushed me over the edge before I got control back. I don’t trust him not to hurt me again. To leave me high and dry when he stops and thinks about the pictures again.

Once I get my breathing under control, I get dressed and curl up in the big bed, hugging a pillow against my chest to combat the empty feeling inside. It does little good, because the pillow smells like him. It’s comforting, but it also makes the throb in my chest more painful.

I spend the night tossing and turning against the lumpy mattress, begging my brain to shut off so I can sleep. Sleep finally comes, but it’s restless.

In the morning, neither Jase nor I speak about last night. We grab breakfast from the lobby – bitter tasting coffee and stale muffins – and hit the road. I can tell he regrets coming with me. Hell, he probably thinks I’m an all-out basket case. And maybe I am. But I can’t focus on everything that’s gone

wrong between us right now. Today is the today I’ve been waiting for all my life. I push away the dark, swirling thoughts about Jase’s hasty departure last night and climb into the car.

After two hours of driving, I pull off the highway with the excuse of needing to fill up the gas tank, but really I just need a break. My knuckles are sore from gripping the steering wheel and my emotions are all over the place. Luckily, Jase doesn’t comment that I still have half a tank, he just gets out of the car and begins pumping the gas, then offers to drive the last leg of the trip. I merely nod and shove the keys at him.

Jase’s expression is guarded and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. But I try not to worry about that, and instead slump into the passenger seat while he runs inside to the convenience store. He returns a few minutes later with bottles of water and soda and a few chocolate bars.

He gets in beside me and dumps everything onto my lap. “You should have some sugar…it’ll make you feel better.”

I nod and tear into a Hershey’s bar, taking a small nibble from the corner. Jase is right, the sugar floods my system and perks me up the slightest bit. I finish the whole chocolate bar and drink half the soda as he takes over driving. We’re getting close now – the GPS on my phone says only a couple more turns before we reach our final destination. It sounds ominous.

Jase is silent, but I can see him stealing glances at me from the corner of his eye as he drives. We still haven’t talked about last night. I wonder if I should feel embarrassed for practically kicking him out of my room naked and very obviously turned on, but that’s not even making the cut right now. My entire being is absorbed by the fact I’m about to meet my mom.

Eventually we pull onto a tree-lined street. The homes are small, but well-maintained. It’s surreal to finally see where she lives – to think, if things had been different, this is where I could’ve grown up. I watch the addresses as we pass and my heartbeat builds to a staggering level in my chest.

Jase slows to a stop and parks in front of a single-story brick home with a paved brick walkway cutting through the front yard. “We’re here.”