Keeping his bride

Selina

THE NEXT MORNING, I sneak out of Nico’s bedroom and go down the hall to take a shower in my own room. I rinse the charcoal marks from Nico’s fingers from my body, the water turning a dark gray as it swirls down the drain. I frown as I stare at the filthy water.

The bad thoughts that are always lingering in the back of my mind return at full force.

No wonder Nico didn’t sleep with you. You’re dirty. You’re used up. You’re a whore. He doesn’t want you. Who would ever want you?

My fingernails claw at the sides of my head as I force myself into the stream of water, closing my eyes. I shampoo my hair, hating the bumps from old wounds and scars that my fingertips discover. Nico doesn’t have a single blemish on him other than a few nicely healed scars. Mine are all ugly and jagged since most of them I had to try to sew or fix myself. I probably look like some kind of weird science experiment to him.

“Fuck,” I cry out, choking on the water as the bad thoughts threaten to drown me.

I finish up my shower, and then step out, drying off quickly before wrapping a towel around my body. The moment I step into my bedroom, there is a knock on my door.

“Lina?” Nico calls from the hallway.

I step closer and force my voice to be steady when I tell him, “I don’t feel very well this morning.”

“Oh, all right,” he answers, but I can tell by his tone that he’s not entirely convinced of my excuse. “I can call Sarah if you -.”

“No, I’ll be fine,” I say quickly, cutting him off. I don’t want Sarah coming in here and realizing that nothing is actually wrong with me; that it’s all in my fucked-up head. “I’ll just…I’ll see you later,” I say.

I wait until I hear his footsteps disappear down the hall before I finally release the breath I was holding. I hate feeling like this. It was an amazing night, and now I feel absolutely terrible because I can’t stop second-guessing everything.

Putting my palm to my forehead, I squeeze my eyes shut. Why can’t I just be normal?

Sighing, I retreat back into the bathroom and start getting ready for the day. I blow dry my hair and get dressed in comfy clothes. My PT session with Dwayne starts in an hour, and I don’t want to be late.

I make it downstairs and into the gym in record time, even beating Dwayne this time. He arrives about fifteen minutes later with two jumbo sized juices in his hand. He gives me one that has strawberries in it, thank goodness, and he takes the one that looks like green sludge. Yuck.

We start our session, but I’m honestly not feeling it. I can’t stop thinking about last night and the consequences of what happened. What if I effectively ruined Nico and my friendship? Just the thought of him not talking to me anymore destroys me, eating me up inside.

“You seem distracted today,” Dwayne says to me during one of my leg exercises.

“Uh, yeah, I just…” My voice trails off. I don’t know if I should be even talking about this kind of stuff with Dwayne, but it’s not like I have anyone else to talk to. I definitely can’t talk to Nico. I’m already embarrassed and feeling guilty about everything that happened as it is.

“Spill the tea, Selina. I need something juicy to get me through my day,” he says with a wink.

I can’t help but smile. Dwayne has the ability to put me in a good mood no matter how irritable or upset I am before our sessions. “Um, did you ever…? Have you ever…?”

“Are we playing that game?” he asks, his eyes lighting up.

I arch a brow at him. “What game?”

“Never Have I Ever?” he questions. “I mean, I’m sure I could go steal some liquor from the kitchen if we really want to turn it up a notch.”

I shake my head. “Liquor is the last thing I need right now,” I tell him with a soft laugh. I’ve actually been enjoying being sober. For years, I used pills and alcohol to mask my real problems. And now that I’m in a better place mentally, I want to experience every minute of it, especially with Nico.

“Oh! Is this about…Romeo?” he whispers conspiratorially, using our secret nickname for Nico.

“Yes,” I whisper back.

“Damn, maybe I do need a drink for this,” he jokes. “What did Romeo do now?”

Dwayne is very aware of the situation between Nico and me. I didn’t even have to tell him. He told me he could just sense the tension and attraction between us from day one. Whatever that means.

“Well, we were fooling around in his room last night.”

Dwayne leans in, loving this story already, and I can’t help but laugh at his rapt attention. “And?” he prompts.

“And he…went down on me.”

“Hell yeah, girl,” he says with an enthusiastic nod.

“But then afterwards…we just went to bed.”

“Damn, Romeo didn’t want anything in return?” he asks with furrowed brows.

“No,” I shake my head sadly. “And I can’t stop thinking about the reasoning behind it.”

“Maybe he’s waiting on you to make the next move for more,” Dwayne suggests.

“Maybe,” I drawl out before nodding my head in agreement. Dwayne is right. Nico is a gentleman like that. Never pushing, never asking for too much. What if he’s just scared to push me too far? What if he’s just scared period?

“Next time you get Romeo alone, let him know exactly what you want. That should clear up any confusion,” Dwayne suggests.

I’m glad I spoke to someone about my feelings instead of just keeping them all to myself until they ultimately consume me. I actually feel a thousand times better than I did this morning. “Thanks for the advice.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” he says with a big smile.Original from NôvelDrama.Org.

For the rest of our therapy session, I think about what Dwayne and I talked about. I think maybe I do need to just push Nico in the right direction. If I want something, I need to let him know what I want. And if he still rejects me after that, then I’ll just have to deal with the consequences later.