A Lifetime With You by Athrhteera

Alena

I found myself standing in front of the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) despite being on my maternity leave. Many babies were in their incubators, sleeping. Some babies were awake as they moved their hands and tiny little feet around; they were making me smile,

knowing I should've been holding one of my own.

These babies were being kept here to be monitored closely but some would be able to return back to their mothers soon. Healthy babies were just needed extra checkups for safety measures.

It surprised me a little at the fact that I wasn't crying but I was smiling.

At least other people were able to experience the happiness of becoming a parent instead of being left to bury them instead.

I had spent my days and nights crying for the loss of my baby but for once, I was able to forget about that for a little while. If I were alone in bed, I was only capable of crying.

"Alena?" A familiar voice called out, making me turn to see Lily.

The last time I saw Lily was three weeks ago before everything went down. She had taken a few days off to travel and I had been at home to grieve-she heard about what had happened and I could see it on her face, the sympathy. "Hey Lily," I smiled.

Lily didn't waste any time before pulling me in for a hug, as tight as she could.

Remember when I said I was smiling instead of crying? Well, being hugged by Lily seemed to have made the tears fall down cheeks. We had been close ever since we started working together; we didn't bother with what people said about never being too close with your colleagues because we were inseparable.

my

I held back my breath, trying to control myself from breaking apart.

She rubbed my back slowly before pulling away.

""Let's sit down,"

We both walked out of NICU and down the hallway, where there was an empty bench. It was quiet here, not a long of people passing through which made it easier for us to talk.

Lily tried calling me when she heard about the bad news but I had rejected and ignored her calls until she just stopped because she probably decided it was best to respect my space. I felt bad for doing that to her, maybe I could've answered once.

"How are you, Alena?" She asked, grabbing my hand.

"I'm doing okay,"

"I really hope you are. You seem to have lost a lot of weight,"

"Just don't have the appetite."

"Don't lie to me. You used to always be there for me when my life was going through different shit at once. Please don't pretend you're okay," she replied with a smile.

I was never a good liar but it seemed to appear that I was the worst liar. Nobody could believe me if they saw how miserable I looked-sunken and swollen eyes, pale skin. I was the definition of a walking corpse but I didn't bother to care about how I looked like.

DO.

I just needed to get some fresh air and I ended up at the hospital

"I'm miserable, Lily. I don't know what to do."

"It's not easy, Alena. What you're going through is hard but you have Matteo with you, don't you? Your parents. Your family. Your friends. We're all here for you to help you." She said, sighing at the end. "You and Matteo didn't deserve what happened but you can't let yourself drown."

"I can't help it that I miss him," Tears were beginning to form in my eyes but I quickly wiped them away, not wanting to cry in front of Lily and a few other strangers.

It was enough to cry at home, pushing Matteo away from me. As much as he tried to be there for me, I had never seemed to appreciate his efforts and kept pulling myself further and further away from him. He didn't deserve that treatment, too. "I know. I know you do," she continued to rub my back in small circles.

Lily kept quiet, only watching me. She was being respectful by not saying anything else I appreciated that, when she could've said more but she didn't want to. At times like these, I was pretty sure nobody knew exactly what to say.

My mind wandered off to what happened last night, where I had gotten into an argument with Matteo before I ended up kissing his lips.

Matteo tried very hard to support me but I couldn't understand myself every time I pushed him away; why did I do that? It wasn't his fault that we had lost Marco.

It had been awhile since we kissed. Ever since we lost Marco, we had been apart. Sometimes, I felt the need to reach out to Matteo and have him close to me. I had missed the feeling of his warm skin, his soft lips and big hands around my body We were always skin to skin. Now, we were drifting.

I hated our current relationship. We weren't happy.

Lily's phone rang for a few times. She had ignored the first couple of calls but when the calls just kept coming, she couldn't help but glance down at her phone. Me being the selfless Alena, I nodded and gestured for her to pick it up; it could be urgent or important. "Go ahead, Lily. Pick up the phone," I muttered.

She sighed, "I'll be right back."

When she walked away to pick up the call, I was left alone on the bench.

As I watched people passing by, I knew every single one of us were going through something. None of us were truly happy and if we were, that certain happiness was never going to last forever.

It was scary and I grew

I had lost Marco.

terrified.

I was scared of the future.

I was scared of losing someone else.

I was scared of losing Matteo.

Iran my fingers across my bottom lip, missing the feeling of my husband's lips against mine. Last night had caused butterflies to flutter in my stomach but I had somehow managed to push those feelings away and had buried it deep down. It felt wrong to be happy when Marco was gone, even though I deserved all of the happiness again.

08:27/

I felt bad when I saw the look on Matteo's face.

I had hurt his feelings but I had swallowed the huge lump in my throat to ignore it.

As I closed my eyes, memories of us flew by. One by one.

From the moment we met, from the moment we fell in love and from the moment we had succumbed to each other's touch. We were inseparable but I had forced us to be apart.

Without Matteo's love, I wasn't able to have Marco inside of me

I glanced a few times at Lily, seeing her busy talking on the phone.

45

So, I decided to check on my phone, seeing a few missed calls from my husband. My thumb remained frozen on the screen because I was hesitating on whether I should call him back or let it be. He had my location on his phone, he didn't have to worry about where I went but it felt wrong for not telling him when I left.

He was probably worried incase anything happened to me.Published by Nôv'elD/rama.Org.

I breathed out, scrolling to read the messages he had sent:

'Alena, where are you? Please pick up the phone.'

'Baby, I'm worried.'

'Call me back when you're free, okay?'

The messages were simple and direct; if he was the old Matteo, the one before we had lost our son, he was bound to right in front of me and demand answers. He was bound to call me until I had picked up the phone. He was bound to span me with different messages but this was the new Matteo, the grieving Matteo, he knew boundaries.

He knew how much I was suffering and he decided best to leave me alone.

"Sorry, Matteo. I really need my own space," I muttered under my breath.

As Lily walked back to sit beside me, she seemed to have troubles of her own. The frown in between her brows and the sigh she let out when she sat, she was stressing out. Yet, she tried her very best to ignore her problems as she focused back on me "Everything okay, Lily?" I asked, looking at her.

"Everything is just fine. Some personal problems but it's alright," she replied.

"You can always tell me. You know that, right?"

Lily sighed before grabbing my hands, looking straight into my eyes. "And you can always tell me, Alena. You can tell me every single thing as long as I know you're not keeping it all to yourself. If you want to go out and get some air, I can try to free my time for you. If you want to stay at my place for a little while, you can also do that but you have to promise me one thing."

"What is it?" I raised an eyebrow, shaking my head.

"You have to ask your husband's permission."

"I'm a grown adult. I don't need his permission," I groaned.

"You're his wife. He needs to know where you are and who you're with especially now. I'm pretty sure you left the house without telling him," she responded.

1 scoffed, "Were you on the phone with Matteo?"